THe Breath that Attracted a Siren

I had had a very long day on the road. To make matters worse, I had a cup of coffee at 3pm with a burger and fries from the local fast food chain. I personally don't eat fast food too often, but it was all that was close and I was HUNGRY! Needless to say, an hour later, my breath was filling up the car and began to offend me. Ugh. I was just getting off the freeway and approaching a red light at a major intersection. The light had just turned red and knowing this was a long light, I reached for my bottle of Crest Pro-Health Advanced Mouthwash which I now always travel with. I took a big swig and began swishing when to my chagrin, the light turned green. I quickly capped the bottle, continued swishing and continued through the intersection. Before I crossed over the far crosswalk, there it was, the flashing blue light we all love. I police officer on a motorcycle was signalling me to pull over. I drive for a living, so I was really freaked out about this. I was trying to think what I did. Did the light really turn green? It was a short light. OMG, did I run a red light!! All these thought of paranoia ran through my brain as I slowly pulled to the curb. Oh yeah, mouth wash! I still was swishing, quite frantically now, but I grabbed my empty coffee cup from earlier and expelled the fluid. At least my breath will be good for the officer. Ugh. I look in the side view mirror and he is walking up to me as he removes his gloves. I roll down my window, shaking all the way. He very cautiously asks me for me drivers license, registration and proof of insurance which I had ready for him. He told me to stay in the car and walked back to his bike to most likely run my numbers. Let me tell you, the that short amount of time seemed to take forever as my mind was twirling in scenarios. Finally, he came back and, still holding my info in his hand, asked me if I had been drinking today. Shocked, I spurted out a NO, maybe even a little to strongly because he stiffened a bit.
He then said "I will give you one chance to tell me the truth. What will it be?"
"Coffee....", was all I could stutter out.
"Please step out of the car sir," he said putting his hand on his sidearm. I did as he said.
"What is this about, sir? Did I run the light? Was I swerving? I don't get it?" I pleaded.
"Sir," he continues, as he walks towards my car to peek in it "I was right behind you. I saw you take a swig out of a bottle. It didn't look like a soda bottle."
My body released. Everything dropped as I relaxed and I chuckled.
"Is something funny, sir? I'm gonna need you to do a few tests," he was a bit upset.
I then told him, "Sir, you did see me drink out of a bottle. It was mouthwash. It is right there inside the door." I was leaning over trying to point it out.
He found it, and pulled it out and was looking at the bottle. He set it down, and continued to look through the car. He found my coffee cup and removed the lid and sniffed. He winced and looked back at me quizzically.
"I can't swallow the mouthwash," I explained.
He put the lid back on and walked over to me still carrying the bottle of mouthwash.
He made me run through the tests anyway. And as I was successfully completing all the tasks,he asked about the mouthwash. He said he had never known Crest made mouthwash. I told him I hadn't known either and that I had gotten a free sample from BzzAgents.com to review. He then chuckled a bit as he noticed the mouthwash was Alcohol-free. "Well, I couldn't have been more wrong," he said as he handed me back the bottle and all my information.
He apologized unnecessarily, and I asked if he wanted a coupon for the mouthwash that I had printed off of coupons.com. He shrugged and took the coupon and told me to drive safe. And that was that. I got into my car and headed home......finally

A Swish in Time

I am usually out on the road for work, but occasionally I have to venture back to the office and check in to see what's going on and let them know their money is going to a living entity. For those of you who travel a lot, you know the sleep hours get wonky, the diet gets destroyed and coffee becomes your best tool to repair the day. Aside from all the other hazardous side effects of this behavior, the breath seems to suffer the most. I mean, I can strip the paint off a new car with my breath at some points of the day. The last thing I need to do after being on the road for eleven days, is appear at the office and level the entire staff with one hearty, "Heeeeeellllllllooooooooooooooooo!!!!". So I've learned to have stashes of mouthwash everywhere. Today's stash point is the glove box. I always travel with my mouthwash. So last week I came back from a mild trip. It was early evening and I was thrashed. I took a swig of my Crest Pro-Health Advanced Mouthwash, swished for a minute, and into the bush it flew. I confidently walked into the office and gave my trademark hello. I then had a meeting with seven of my colleagues minutes later. After my wordy presentation, I was asked by the big boss, who used to do what I did, how my breath was not toxic (he still suffers from rancid breath). I thought, "really, this is what he asks me after I gave the presentation of the millennium!" Ugh. Well then it dawned on me, this stuff must be working. So I filled him in as the rest listened. I told him that I often do Bzz campaigns with BzzAgent.com(that was another 5 minute detour). I explained that currently I was reviewing Crest Pro-Health Advanced Mouthwash which I had received for free, and was just now reaping the results. I told them that not only does is freshen breath by destroying germs, it is supposed to prevent cavities and help strengthen your teeth and gums. I have no proof of the latter personally, yet, but my dentist will sort that out. I brought the bottle in to let them all pass it around and sniff and shake and read the contents. I then orchestrated a group swishing. I passed out little dixie cups and dosed them all. We watched the second hand swing around to 12 and we all threw back and commenced swishing. It was a very odd scene. There were many different swish techniques. There was the rapid rabbit swish. The chimpanzee upper lip swish. The chipmunk full cheek swish. And my favorite, the Newton's Cradle cheek-to-cheek swish. A few passers by had to double take and lean into the room to see what was happening. A few of us almost spit the purple fluid across the room as bouts of silly laughter bubbled up. As the second hand swung back around to 12, we spit back into our cups and burst out laughing. As the laughter died down the chatter was insane. There was one person who was fighting the after taste. She had just had a lemon cough drop before the meeting and apparently lemon does not go with purple. You have been warned. I directed them to the coupons.com web link where they could all print a generous coupon for themselves and retrieved the remains of my bottle. Placing it in my file drawer, I invited everyone to use it as necessary. To my chagrin, two days later, both the men's and women's employee bathrooms had a bottle on the sink.

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